Chili Cookoff

Oct. 29th, 2008 at 11:32 PM

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IF you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the
end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you
know how true this is. They actually have a Chili
Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the
Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced
Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.

Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and
became Judge 3.' Here are the scorecard notes from
the event:

CHILE # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild..
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is
this stuff You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans
are crazy.

CHILE# 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILE # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
them.

CHILE# 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestine are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on
myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
I should take note that I am worried about judge
number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing.. It's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top
of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili
Judge # 3 - No Response